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beautiful pink lava erupting in this dreamstate horizon
2006-11-30 13:19

I took my sweet calico cat, Juliette, to the veterinarian yesterday. She's going on 14 years, and has been having trouble jumping up to some of her usual places the last couple months. During the appointment my vet asked me what's been up. My last visit was March '05. Before December 13, 2004 when my beloved but high maintenance going-on-19 manx, "LittleOne," went to kitty heaven, Stan and I saw each other several times a month. We had a bit of catching up to do.

I told him about how I felt like I went through what LittleOne must have gone through with prednisone. I described my experience in ICU last November- including a comment how I felt emotionally. Stan is a spiritual guy.

Telling him triggered something in me. I sent him an email later in the evening. Here it is:

Hey Stan, Thanks for the referrals you gave me today. I so appreciate information you share- whether in reference to one of my pets, me, or the latest new things you're learning. It's all so rich!

This evening I reflected back on telling you my experience in ICU last November. Another layer of "anniversary effect" bubbled up. I recall saying how spiritual the event was- how it felt like a gift. At first I didn't recall why. Now I do. I thought you could be curious too.

CNS vasculitis is a rare diagnosis, it took the neurologists several days with MRI, CAT scans, pints of blood in little tubes, then an angiogram taking pictures of arteries in my heart and brain (which is the only test aside from a brain biopsy) to reveal what treatment would save my life. In the meantime my physical being was deteriorating.

�They� never said out loud to me I was dying, but the looks on the faces and actions of the frustrated M.D.s told the story. My family was looking that way as well. When I was home my loved ones eventually told me (often crying) what it was like those first scary days.

For me it was all OK. This is the spiritually neat part, Stan... I felt through and through no matter what happened the will of the universe for me is loving and good. I felt total peace. I had no list of unfinished business! No regrets! I felt totally clear, anxiety- free. It was pure bliss. I could "see" in golden white light where I stood on the path, surrounded by magnificent terrain right to the horizon and beyond.

It didn't matter which way I walked. My 360� glorious eternity revealed: that's the spiritual gift. I so treasure it. Just writing this description brings the feelings back like a warm soft wave.

I got a second opinion that agreed with my Marin neuro's diagnosis from Dr. Fye, the head of rheumatological research at UCSF. What a cool down-to-earth happening big-wig Dr. Fye is!

If you are curious, here are CNS Vasculitis Links:

Cleveland Clinic-CNS Vasculitis

John Hopkins University-Types of CNS Vasculitis

Regards, Leslie