I can't read enough of this stuff! "What the heck is going on in my mind," I wonder... Is there something about this being the time last year I was in the hospital in ICU? Is it mortality? Do I want a kid and don't know it?

A couple days ago it hit me. In the deep subconscious part of my head I am processing my mom's story. She lost a full term baby boy and had a miscarriage before I was born. I tried to "check out" the way my older brother did, but the doctors were ready and prevented it. Such trauma and sadness!

Mom wanted to be a mom very much- married life meant starting a family; without children it's empty. When she became pregnant with me she was so happy! A convent of catholic nuns even prayed for my safe arrival.

When I was born the nurses at the hospital thought my mother was a celebrity because of all the cards and flowers she received. As the first grandchild in a large irish/italian family, I was the center of the universe- a consecrated birth.

On the inner level, I know mom must have been terrified to lose me. Growing up I was overprotected. Mom admitted this out loud at the strangest time! Out of the blue, while we were standing silently outside dad's hospital room right after his triple bypass heart surgery, mom said, "I over protected you."

I about fell over. I told her my "family of origin" work revealed this to me. Thinking about that moment later, the near death-like state of a loved one after major surgery must be similar to the fear of losing a child.