Last night I had an out of the blue emotional bullet hit me in the heart. I didn't hear any "bang" when the gun went off. The wound is unmistakable. This morning I'm still bleeding. I started crying again after my good night's sleep. Bleeding tears copiously needed attention- my first impulse is to write. It is easier to see what's up that way.

Last week I had a little lucid dream. I don't dream for the most part, so any dream I have without being feverish is obvious. In the dream my neighbor friend, who hasn't spoken to me in a couple months, walked in the back door just like she had for the past 13 years. I gave her a hug. It felt soooo good!

Then I opened my eyes. The morning sun streaming into the bedroom was beautiful. I listened to the birds chirping, watched the pets stretching on the bed & thought that this dream may be a sign- Sue's spirit is preceding her physical being! Oh Wow!

Later that day we happened to run across each other in our cars. It was one of those car moments when the light changes and you and the other person going in opposite directions are paused driver window to driver window. My window was open hers was too.

The dream still swimming in my head, I waved and hollered, "Hey Sue!"

She stared straight ahead obviously ignoring my presence, and zoomed away. Didn't even nod the way neighbors do in recognition of one another.

As I drove the short distance home I thought about what irony the day had become. Extreme happiness and hope was coupled with its polar opposite. Hmmmm, I imagine the feeling would be similar to winning an unexpected jackpot only to lose it all before nightfall. Ouch.

A friend of mine called about a month ago because she wanted to hire Sue, I agreed to pass the phone # and offer along. Though we hadn't spoken in ages I left Sue a message about the job. Weeks later I asked my friend if she ever heard from Sue. Turns out Sue called and accepted the job within minutes of my leaving the message! No acknowledgment, no Thank You, no nothing.

Yesterday my friend called to thank me profusely for connecting her with Sue. The work Sue was doing was professional and the bill Sue submitted was detailed- no weird use of time. She praised my selfless loving act of passing the offer along in spite of Sue's unkind behavior toward me and Bob.

Later on she emailed me for Sue's address. Something in me snapped as I composed the reply:
"email address, street address," (The trigger is cocked)
"The URL of the web site, inspired by my infinite love, respect, appreciation, gratitude, and desire to show the world Sue's magnificent artistry is:" (Ready, aim...)
"The site is now an orphan- the occasional hits it gets come from a search. Sue has abandoned my gift, never shares the link- basically kicked it to the curb. That really hurts. I am in tears; my stomach feels sick. UGH." (Fire! Direct Hit.)
"To top it off, the other day I remembered she owes me 80$. I had given her 100$ grocery cash; she spent 20$ and hasn't spoken to me since. Where is my change? Fuckin' BITCH. What betrayal! Sue was so honest. Not anymore. I hope she doesn't do the turncoat thing to you."