This entry is from an ancient 1980 paper diary tucked away on our bookself. Rereading it revealed how much has changed, how much I am the same (in spite of growing up) which inspired my typing it into a 21st Century friendly form to share with the world - starting here.

Sigh*, Doug hasn't called back yet - and even as I sit writing about this day from a Sunday morning vantage point, I feel like crying. I don't know what's going on, but it surely can't be good. True, it is a full moon and everything seems more intense, I still have my reservations about this romance. I want it to work out with all my heart, but somehow I think it may not - I only wish I knew what was wrong - I only wish he would write or call or something to let me know what's up. I only wish I could totally believe him when he said about me not being the cause of his coolness on the last 3 days of my visit. (Downright rude sometimes!) - Pause for another cup of coffee (I sure do miss those midnight phonecalls!)

I am feeling fairly disgusted with my body - I hate gaining weight, And I've got 5 extra lbs with me now from indulgence - I've been quite overindulgent lately, And it needs to cease! My usual way to combat that is bad - if not downright demented.

I got a lot done around the house today - I've made a list that covers both sides of a page about the size if this - and it's got some zingers on it! First thing this morning I cleaned the house - About 8 on the richtor scale - No Waxing the floor (though if I had wax it might have become a 10) It is very inspiring -I like my house to be neat and clean - And cluttered only part time. I made a sketch of the chair Walter gave me - saddlesoaped my cowgirl boots, Read all my mail, and played with Lisa (W) for a few hours. Generally a pleasently spent day. I just wish I could quit taking so much Maryhooch - I've really gotten bad since PA.

Saturday Evening was a hoot! - Lisa was making a big dinner for Walter - and it turned out they never ate - (save for Sun. brunch)

With the waxing moon the "vibes" were right for a productive - if not downright celestial eve -

Walter came in Late - Ellen D from work called earlier and said she was restless. Lisa told her to C.O.D. - And the 3 girls drank by themselves. Fun for sure. Ellen even smoked pot!

Walter came in close to 10 -and we partied even heartier! The drawing I made for him was appreciated totally - and it led to the profound revelation that I paint, draw - etc - I mean it fianally sunk in - And he needed someone to work on a piece of furniture on the glass - an "advertisement" - neato! A potentially $ making "creative" outlet - I can use my talent to produce things people want!

The whole evening perked along - Ellen even did some cocaine. And when we all left she told me she liked my friends - and had a good time - And why don't I call. I told her she did it the right way - catch as catch can. I felt good to make her feel good. I love my friends I think each and every one is unique and unusual. I surround myself with such people on purpose.

Again - Mr. Henrich didn't call. Book - if you were a person you'd get tired of hearing about him - but you are my mute listener - And have no end to your patience (Human characteristic) One day this may be published - When someone says - What were the causes that led to my present (future) state of mind.

However - I'm not going to let another unrequited love fuck me up. No more Tims, Spencers, Marks or anything. Ross even had potential. Why me? I though Bern was it on that Infamous Wed. night - And Thursday - but his intensity waned and mine waxed. I think I'll flip back to that page...

There's really not that much written on that evening. As I think Back to that moment in the airport, I sigh. I want it to be like that again. The moment we walked into his Mom's house - And everything was, well, just so - My colors matched the stunning white living room - I felt in tune - loved and loving - like it was some fate of Karma. Tami and Walter were on the periphery of my awareness - but Berny was it - we sang to eachother, touched eachother, made love all night long - drank champagne from beautiful glasses with linked arms - we both agreed that up until now all other past affairs seemed like the were practice for this one - The Romance of the 80's - he called it Romeo + Juliet - I said let's not commit suicide - we promised ourselves to eachother - he said he felt like he should give me a ring - We showered and dressed together. Tami drew a picture of us - It was All to good to be true - seemingly.

So much intense feeling - his embrace - he said he couldn't sleep because he was too busy looking at me - playing with my hair, etc. Sigh - I'm going to sign off - And take a bath before Lisa C. calls me back. So till I write about Sunday later on -